Reaching a calm and centered state doesn’t come naturally to me. My tendency is towards anxiety/manic excitement on one side of the scale and a numbed fatigue state on the other side. The concept of equanimity is very appealing to me because it is so counter to how I normally navigate the world. “Responding rather than reacting”, “wearing the world like a loose garment”, “nil bastardum carborundum” - it all sounds wonderful. The question is how I can get there when my brain is constantly over-revving.
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Meditation
The standard advice for dealing with anxiety/a buzzing mind is to meditate. As mentioned in the last section, meditation in isolation doesn’t do it for me. Sitting still for twenty minutes is likely to leave me feeling worse if I haven’t prepared properly. What does work for me is:
- Exercise first thing in the morning to release pent up energy
- Active mindfulness: yoga, mindful walking, washing the dishes, cleaning
- Journaling: writing my thoughts down seems to make it easier for me to detach
- Breath work: taking deep diaphragmatic breaths with longer exhales than inhales
- Social Buffering: talking through my problems with other people
- Prayer: asking a (non-denominational) higher power for help
After doing those other practices, I can meditate. I put meditative music on for 26 minutes, sit down/lie down and observe my thoughts. Sometimes I fall asleep in the process and I’m ok with that. I keep a piece of paper and pen next to me to write down ideas that arise during meditation otherwise I end up ruminating and can’t relax.
Some people talk about a busy mind making them feel like a failure during meditation. I have a different perspective: some of my best ideas come from times where I sit still and let my thoughts roam. The problem is if I don’t write them down. Then my brain gets frantic, concerned (with good reason) that I’ll forget them. The franticness either makes me want to stop the session midway to act on the idea immediately or means I feel miserable the whole time because I’m anxious about forgetting the idea. If I keep writing implements (pen and paper, not my phone - that’s a recipe for distraction) next to me, I get the best of both worlds: inspiration from my higher self and relaxation as the thoughts settle.
Mindful Walking/Running/Skiing/Yoga/Swimming/Washing the dishes
I love going for a run first thing in the morning. The combination of the fresh air and moving my limbs energises me and puts me in a much better mood. I try to focus on smooth rhythmic form - it seems to activate a calm, flowing state of mind that carries on throughout my day.
My default state is quite tense and erratic - if someone opens the door while I’m working on my computer, my head snaps around violently to find out if there’s a threat. I remember seeing someone in a self help group I go to who moved her head very slowly and fluidly when someone entered the room - it impressed me because it was so counter to how I was feeling. Intentionally moving my body in a fluid manner seems to carry through to my state of mind. I should probably try Tai Chi (research would support that decision)!
It doesn’t have to be running or tai chi either. I get the same benefits from walking, swimming, xc skiing or even doing the dishes. The other advantage of this type of activity is that I often get novel ideas that don’t come when I’m still. If I’m stuck on a coding problem and have spent an hour making no progress, often the best thing to do is go for a walk round the block or hang out some washing. That shift seems to activate the “default mode network” and the creative juices start flowing. My smart watch has a handy voice note feature that I use to capture thoughts when I’m away from my notepad.
Journaling
Julia Cameron describes journaling (or her specific method, Morning Pages) as “meditation for westerners”. That certainly resonates with me. I have a morning journaling practice that does leave me feeling much calmer and clearer about the day ahead.
I begin by setting an agenda for the writing session. I reflect on what I’m worried or confused about and list those topics at the top of the page. Then I start writing on each point. The goal is to keep writing without filtering or worrying about anyone else reading it. I’m free to break grammatical rules (helpful because I sometimes do the first 5 minutes writing in Chinese!), go on tangents or change topics mid-sentence.
Generally I feel much clearer by the time I finish the free writing. The next stage is structured writing looking at my to-do list for the day. I write out a plan for how I’ll approach each task on the list. I find breaking it down into sub tasks makes it a lot easier for me to get started and it reduces the feeling of overwhelm. If I realise I’ve got too much to achieve in one day, I recalibrate my to-do list. My anxiety often stems from work so this morning review is important for peace of mind.
I also do ten minutes of writing in the evening, reflecting on the day that has passed: what went well, what could I have improved, what am I grateful for. It’s a calming ritual that lets me detach from what happened during the day. I sleep much better when I do it (and I’m very consistent with this habit for that reason).
Breath Work
A few years ago I sunk money into a kickstarter project that aimed to detect stress based on breathing patterns. I tend to not be terribly self aware and the standard advice to notice tension in your body and use that as a sign to take a break doesn’t seem to work for me. When I’m getting stressed, I tend to hyperfocus on solving the issue that is causing stress. This is often a maladaptive response as if the subject of stress involves other people, my attempts to “solve” the problem end up making things worse because my tone can come across as harsh.
The promise of this kickstarter project was to subtly signal to you when your breathing patterns have shifted from deep diaphragmatic breathing to shallow chest breathing. They never shipped it so I’m not sure if it would have helped but I do know that breathing does influence my emotional state. Until a miraculous wearable device that can accurately detect stress comes out (my smartwatch is meant to be able to do it but I find the results whacky), I’m resorting to prophylactic breathing exercises. Every 20 minutes throughout the day, Focus Bear reminds me to take a break including deep breathing.
It also asks me to rate my mood:
The combination of the question (“how are you feeling right now?”) and the deep breathing exercise is quite useful for self awareness. If I realise that I am stressed, I can break out of the hyperfocus and go for a walk. Sometimes shallow breathing is related to poor posture and resetting my posture through a mindful stroll can also reset my mood.
When I do deep breathing exercises, I like the box breathing approach: 5 seconds in, 5 seconds hold, 5 seconds out, 5 seconds hold. I’ve tried Wim Hoff/yoga nidra style breathing exercises which involve very long breath holds and periods of rapid inhalations and exhalations. Those exercises are meant to give you an energy boost and they do but they also spike my anxiety. Holding my breath and then essentially hyperventilating simulates a panic response for me. There’s a good chance that I’m doing it wrong but I think I get a sufficient energy boost from the breath changes during aerobic exercise and prefer using breathing practices to calm down rather than agitate myself.
Prayer/affirmations/self talk
I was raised catholic and while I never took religion seriously as a kid and stopped going to church completely as a teenager, I developed a soft spot for spirituality in my twenties. I don’t subscribe to any particular religion though the Buddhist tradition is closest to what feels right for me. At times that I’m stressed, I find prayer to a higher power soothing.
Some people like affirmations but saying things “I am strong and powerful” in front of the mirror never quite felt right to me. It feels like an ego trip. The prayer approach “God help me to have the strength to get through the challenges of the day, in particular …” sits better with me.
I’ve found it important to make prayer dynamic. There are some prayers like the St Francis prayer which are beautiful to hear the first few times but lose meaning for me unless I customise them, e.g. “Let me seek first to understand [insert person’s name] rather than to be understood by [person’s name]”.
Positive self talk works for me too. I sometimes like to imagine a friendly creature (daemon style if you’re a Philip Pullman fan) who’s by my side and whispers comforting words to me: “You’ve got this. I’ll be here with you.”
Social Buffering
Imaginary friends only go so far. Contact with real humans is often the best way for me to get out of a negative headspace. I’m part of several peer support groups which emphasise the importance of phone calls to deal with emotional clutter. At least once per day, I’ll call someone for a “3x3” - 3 minutes of them talking and 3 minutes of me talking. Articulating what’s going for me and having someone else listen empathetically and offer suggestions is very helpful. The flipside is also helpful: hearing someone going through a tough situation snaps me out of self pity and makes me grateful for what I do have.
My wife is also a great source of comfort for me. Going to social events is a lot easier when I’ve got her with me. It’s nice to have someone who is always there - often comfortable silences and frequent hugs are all I need.
Regular friends are great too. I just tend to do friendship a bit differently than most neurotypical folks. My friendships tend to involve my special interests. I have running buddies, EA (effective altruism) comrades, fellow social entrepreneurs and environmentalists who I enjoy hanging out with. There’s normally a purpose to our catchups. Sitting around and talking (unless it’s about running/EA/social entrepreneurship/environmentalism) is not my idea of fun. Even if the conversation revolves around my special interests, I generally prefer situations where we’re not sitting around. Perhaps it’s the eye contact expectation that sitting creates or my hyperactivity tendencies but I find it a lot more enjoyable to talk to someone while we’re out for a walk/run.
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Hi I'm Jeremy, and I understand the challenges of living with ASD and ADHD.
